Emotional attachment
Sitting here probably over dosing on codeine (not intentially, the pain has grown imensley) Ive finally realised whats wrong with me, and why I am still so obsessed with kyle. Its not the physical attraction nor the pain that he has caused or the pain that I want to throw on him.
Its the intelligent conversation and the feeling of being on that level or learning new things. Ive sat here these past few weeks and Ive not learnt anything I havent had a decent conversation (except when on the phone to him). I think the fact that he gave me his time and sat there and listened to what I had to say is what I am missing the most. Yes I miss his eyes and his wonderful smile but its the conversation I miss most.
No other person can hit me on that level, I just get bored and zone out. I will even call people to talk to them and they have nothing intelligent to say so I zone out.
Will I be comparing this to every guy I meet? It does scare me a little. I can only survive with that intelligence flowing through me. I mean look at me Ive gone completely off of sex (but that maybe the whole trust issue with me) Ive talked to some wonderful guys online but I just get bored with them really easily.
Perhaps all this rambling is because of family members dying and the fact that peters brother is dying of lung cancer and they dont know how long he has left. Ive even started looking at funeral plans incase I have an accident or something. How will my family afford to bury me? They couldnt, I would be buried as a porper.
But all this Ive looked upon my life and have realised that I have not achieved anything in my life. Is it time for me to sit down and start doing the things Ive wanted to. But owning a cafe and being a secretary can take years. Sigh. I no longer having a friend urging me on to go ahead with these dreams.
As days go on and bills get higher Im drawn to the black hole that has surrounded me for so long
Did I make a mistake causing this pain to kyle? Or is it closure? Can I actually back away from it all?
All these thoughts in my head and theres nothing I can do about it apart from dwell upon the person that I have become. Its a person I hate but I cant just jump out of this costume and into the old costume I wore. It doesnt fit anymore. Dont get me wrong there is still aspect of my old self that I still hold. I still like helping people and I have been helping people. Mostly in relationships which is weird because I am the unlucky person in love. I seem to ruin things, friendships, relationships, family members. It all seems to be me.
What to do what to do? Im doing all I can, and Im going insane. Constant head aches, kidney pain and being tired all day but perking up at night. The preassure of motherhood is wearing me thin as well. Im lost, I need a map and someone to direct me. Give me the push that kyle used to provide. I need a councillor that kyle used to be, I need a teddy to cry into like used to let me. Ive lost more then just a lover and a friend. My whole world is spiralling into a pit of darkness and I cant pull myself out of it. I just dont know what to do anymore.
So from no tears to tears I sign of for tonight. And dream of the life that I want but cant grasp with my finger tips.
Its the intelligent conversation and the feeling of being on that level or learning new things. Ive sat here these past few weeks and Ive not learnt anything I havent had a decent conversation (except when on the phone to him). I think the fact that he gave me his time and sat there and listened to what I had to say is what I am missing the most. Yes I miss his eyes and his wonderful smile but its the conversation I miss most.
No other person can hit me on that level, I just get bored and zone out. I will even call people to talk to them and they have nothing intelligent to say so I zone out.
Will I be comparing this to every guy I meet? It does scare me a little. I can only survive with that intelligence flowing through me. I mean look at me Ive gone completely off of sex (but that maybe the whole trust issue with me) Ive talked to some wonderful guys online but I just get bored with them really easily.
Perhaps all this rambling is because of family members dying and the fact that peters brother is dying of lung cancer and they dont know how long he has left. Ive even started looking at funeral plans incase I have an accident or something. How will my family afford to bury me? They couldnt, I would be buried as a porper.
But all this Ive looked upon my life and have realised that I have not achieved anything in my life. Is it time for me to sit down and start doing the things Ive wanted to. But owning a cafe and being a secretary can take years. Sigh. I no longer having a friend urging me on to go ahead with these dreams.
As days go on and bills get higher Im drawn to the black hole that has surrounded me for so long
Did I make a mistake causing this pain to kyle? Or is it closure? Can I actually back away from it all?
All these thoughts in my head and theres nothing I can do about it apart from dwell upon the person that I have become. Its a person I hate but I cant just jump out of this costume and into the old costume I wore. It doesnt fit anymore. Dont get me wrong there is still aspect of my old self that I still hold. I still like helping people and I have been helping people. Mostly in relationships which is weird because I am the unlucky person in love. I seem to ruin things, friendships, relationships, family members. It all seems to be me.
What to do what to do? Im doing all I can, and Im going insane. Constant head aches, kidney pain and being tired all day but perking up at night. The preassure of motherhood is wearing me thin as well. Im lost, I need a map and someone to direct me. Give me the push that kyle used to provide. I need a councillor that kyle used to be, I need a teddy to cry into like used to let me. Ive lost more then just a lover and a friend. My whole world is spiralling into a pit of darkness and I cant pull myself out of it. I just dont know what to do anymore.
So from no tears to tears I sign of for tonight. And dream of the life that I want but cant grasp with my finger tips.
posted by Knickers at 9:17 PM
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