Here I finally sit!!!
I have been procrastinating this something chronically. I am unsure why exactly but I feel its time to write things down I guess....
I am feeling better emotionally, though today I am not feeling so "happy" and unsure as to why that is. The reasons I feel that helped me are as follows:
A) I watched twilight and fell in love, watched it twice within 12 hours and felt the need to read the books, exactly one week later I had read all four books and even more in love then watching just the movie. There is something about edward and I do say edward and not robert pattinson for a reason, because for one Robert is a real person and yes he is absolutely gorgeous and seems like a very nice person in interviews etc whose to say he is a nice person in general (he is also an exceptional singer). However Edward I imagine is every girls dream (and you cant judge unless you have read the books as they are much more powerful then the movie). New moon is my favourite book of the four, its also the saddest of them all. Edward breaks up with Bella (this is no secret if youve read the book) and Bella goes into detail about how that feels and about the hole that is gaping inside her, and boy could I relate at the time. Anyway, Edward is every girls dream the heroic lover the most gorgeous man in the world. Though very selfish. I find his character very loveable. So I do have an obsession with a fictional character. However, I believe this have given me a higher expectation to what I want in a relationship (I imagine a few females think the same as me). *sigh* its hard to explain. My shrink tells me I am clingy, so yes I have become clingy to a fictional character and VERY obsessed with the twilight saga. And I have been wishing my life away til it is November 19th so I can see the next movie. My shrink also told me that this obsession is good in my life at this point in time. It is keeping my head and heart away from a certain failed relationship that I was holding onto.
B) I gave up the pill. This was my mothers suggestion! I was going through a very rough time when I returned from QLD and she suggested giving up on the pill and see if that is what was controlling my emotions. Though I dont like it very much for the girly reasons. But alas something has changed!
Unfortunately I did both at the exact same time! So whose to say which one it was that actually helped.
But I know my moods have changed I feel much perkier in a sense but I do know that there will be days when I am down. Like today. I dont know why today is different it maybe because I worked with Kyle but I highly doubt it. Things there are ok. He finally told me one of the reasons that he actually broke up with me. Nothing to do with his mum (though she triggered it) and more to do with the fact that I guess in a sense didnt want to be a father figure even though that wasnt the case. In the end he scared himself I believe. There will always be a connection between us. I do love him he knows this but Dan and I are a package deal so I feel I can walk away from the relationship. Its still hard of course, I see him everyday (except last week he was sick) and I cant stop my brain from remembering the good parts of our relationship. But I know I can move on a little. Dont get me wrong I miss him a lot! I still like spending time with him as well and we do catch up and we laugh and joke and we give each other hugs which is both what we need at times. So I guess you can say that not only is twilight my crutch so to speak but he is also. He is now my best friend (I dont think Ive told him that lol). My shrink told me I should hold onto having him as my friend and I got this sudden vision that hes going to be my best man at my wedding... LOL. Sad!
My friends have been awesome through it all. Though I have withdrawn myself from a friendship which is unfair on the person but I feel its right. However Kel and I have gotten pretty close I think. And I enjoy her company greatly. I dont know what I would do without her!
Im tired of existing in this world and not actually living. I think that has something to do with my hasty decision of going to america. Fingers crossed this time next year I will be going or atleast august. Im fueled by some desire to "do" something. Tired of my mundane existance. Dont get me wrong I wouldnt change where I am at. I just wish for more.
I have hung out with Tony a bit. Which is awesome. We both have messed up love lives so to speak and its good to be open and honest with someone that wont judge me. He is a good friend!!!
So Im not cured so to speak of what I am feeling. I just think my head is clearer in a sense of what I am dealing with. I still miss him deeply he knows this, but I know I can be his friend even if it hurts at first. But its better then nothing thats for sure!
So now Im off to drown myself into a make believe world. Because its a nice place to be!
I will try to keep you posted more!!!!
I am feeling better emotionally, though today I am not feeling so "happy" and unsure as to why that is. The reasons I feel that helped me are as follows:
A) I watched twilight and fell in love, watched it twice within 12 hours and felt the need to read the books, exactly one week later I had read all four books and even more in love then watching just the movie. There is something about edward and I do say edward and not robert pattinson for a reason, because for one Robert is a real person and yes he is absolutely gorgeous and seems like a very nice person in interviews etc whose to say he is a nice person in general (he is also an exceptional singer). However Edward I imagine is every girls dream (and you cant judge unless you have read the books as they are much more powerful then the movie). New moon is my favourite book of the four, its also the saddest of them all. Edward breaks up with Bella (this is no secret if youve read the book) and Bella goes into detail about how that feels and about the hole that is gaping inside her, and boy could I relate at the time. Anyway, Edward is every girls dream the heroic lover the most gorgeous man in the world. Though very selfish. I find his character very loveable. So I do have an obsession with a fictional character. However, I believe this have given me a higher expectation to what I want in a relationship (I imagine a few females think the same as me). *sigh* its hard to explain. My shrink tells me I am clingy, so yes I have become clingy to a fictional character and VERY obsessed with the twilight saga. And I have been wishing my life away til it is November 19th so I can see the next movie. My shrink also told me that this obsession is good in my life at this point in time. It is keeping my head and heart away from a certain failed relationship that I was holding onto.
B) I gave up the pill. This was my mothers suggestion! I was going through a very rough time when I returned from QLD and she suggested giving up on the pill and see if that is what was controlling my emotions. Though I dont like it very much for the girly reasons. But alas something has changed!
Unfortunately I did both at the exact same time! So whose to say which one it was that actually helped.
But I know my moods have changed I feel much perkier in a sense but I do know that there will be days when I am down. Like today. I dont know why today is different it maybe because I worked with Kyle but I highly doubt it. Things there are ok. He finally told me one of the reasons that he actually broke up with me. Nothing to do with his mum (though she triggered it) and more to do with the fact that I guess in a sense didnt want to be a father figure even though that wasnt the case. In the end he scared himself I believe. There will always be a connection between us. I do love him he knows this but Dan and I are a package deal so I feel I can walk away from the relationship. Its still hard of course, I see him everyday (except last week he was sick) and I cant stop my brain from remembering the good parts of our relationship. But I know I can move on a little. Dont get me wrong I miss him a lot! I still like spending time with him as well and we do catch up and we laugh and joke and we give each other hugs which is both what we need at times. So I guess you can say that not only is twilight my crutch so to speak but he is also. He is now my best friend (I dont think Ive told him that lol). My shrink told me I should hold onto having him as my friend and I got this sudden vision that hes going to be my best man at my wedding... LOL. Sad!
My friends have been awesome through it all. Though I have withdrawn myself from a friendship which is unfair on the person but I feel its right. However Kel and I have gotten pretty close I think. And I enjoy her company greatly. I dont know what I would do without her!
Im tired of existing in this world and not actually living. I think that has something to do with my hasty decision of going to america. Fingers crossed this time next year I will be going or atleast august. Im fueled by some desire to "do" something. Tired of my mundane existance. Dont get me wrong I wouldnt change where I am at. I just wish for more.
I have hung out with Tony a bit. Which is awesome. We both have messed up love lives so to speak and its good to be open and honest with someone that wont judge me. He is a good friend!!!
So Im not cured so to speak of what I am feeling. I just think my head is clearer in a sense of what I am dealing with. I still miss him deeply he knows this, but I know I can be his friend even if it hurts at first. But its better then nothing thats for sure!
So now Im off to drown myself into a make believe world. Because its a nice place to be!
I will try to keep you posted more!!!!
posted by Knickers at 7:22 PM
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