kerosene or not to kerosene that is the question

Ok a couple of months back I asked kyle what is rocket fuel. And I swear to god he told me it was Kero. But I googled and I wikepdia and there was nothing about kero being used...

This would be the first time I can ever pull him up on being wrong :P

So if he reads this, place a link in the comment section to prove that kero is used in rocket fuel.

Im not making a point or anything lol bloody space thing on tv came on and gary asked me what is in rocket fuel...

If anyone else would like to post a link about rocket fuel please do so :D

......

My brain has been over worked today. Keeping things to myself isnt doing me any good because I analyze it all over and over.

I have a well known quote branded into my brain and have been thinking it over and over again and it is really annoying.

"What ever hurts us can only make us stronger"

I guess its time to believe it. Like Ive said before Ive seen alot of things, and have been through so much.
Whats left? fortune! That would be one I would like to experience, and definately never let go. I never got nice things growing up and never really went to exciting places (except movie world back in 1995). Yet I have travlled australia, from top to bottom. One place I have never been is WA, so guess what :) You guessed right. Im planning on saving for a holiday. Hopefully sometime at the start of 2007 I will be travelling to perth for a short holiday. As I dont know anyone over there I will be staying in a hotel and prolly do the tourist thing. :)

Next I have never been out of the country. I have always wanted to go to paris. This I plan to do when dan is in school. So thats 2 years of saving, I should get there :D

So I have actually thought about the future in that respect.

As for a career, Im unsure. Mum suggested going to uni to study teaching. Im not sure I can do that. I hated school myself so to go back there would be weird. I guess I would be the type of teacher that would be relaxed and try to make schooling as much fun as possible. Like mr perry in alice springs. I loved being in his class. For our maths we had a community, a shop, houses, a bank. Everyone must own a house we even had money from the mint I started off as the banker, I got to hand out fines. It was a great experience and I learnt alot about % but I ended up leaving as banker and bought a house. You would go home and cut things out of the paper and catelogues and sell them at the market to make your money. and you had to bank your money. It was great, going off track hey lol but also this teacher would tell us scarey stories, once a week we would pull the desks to the side of the room and mr perry would tell really scareys, and some of them scared the shit out of me. And anyone else who had a story could tell it. Like the dog who licked the girls hand and the mental person with the head on a car.

He was my favourite teacher, until I got caught with dads porno mags and were distributing to the boys in my class :P Naughty me :D

I somehow doubt teaching is my thing.

Councilling on the other hand could be something that I would be interested in. But doubtful I would get into uni or tafe to study it :( let alone afford it.

For the time being I would be happy getting a stable job in either office or retail. Somewhere where I can grow in the business. Climb the corporate ladder :)

So back to me becoming stronger. I guess I feel like I have achieved so much but do not have anything to show for it. Apart from the bags under my eyes.

I mean I had a two year relationship go down the drain, with nothing to show. I became evil and ruined the friendship that could of happend there. We would of been good as friends if only I could of gotten past it all.

I have to learn to let things go, I should of left him at the airport. I should of let the phone ring out when he called me in pirie. I should of let go along time ago. But I was in love, still am. And its still hard. Yes I know its over. But closure would be nice, saying goodbye properly would of helped a great deal. Last time I saw kyle (apart from that friday night) was me and him snuggling in bed. And then everything blew up in my face. I hold on to the good things. And forget bout the bad things. I should be swapping it around! Remember the bad parts and forget the goods. But does that turn me vindictive all over again. Kinda disapointed that he doesnt write in his blog anymore. I miss all the information he provides about shit I have no idea about. It makes me laugh sometimes how one can vent so much on something like nuclear power lol He still brings me joy, even if its not directly at me

I completed a certificate three in business admin, but I think I have left my resume in a drawer at tys house :( all those personal references and certificates of everything I completed are down the drain and very doubtful I will be able to get another copy, and very very doubtful they will send them down. sigh.

The disciplining of daniel that I somewhat had in sydney has completely gone. Its very stressful. But I shouldnt complain Ive moved him around australia so much this past year. Its my own fault.

I went to my old doctor yesterday, he looked at me and said I looked stressed. I told him the whole story he has boosted my anti depressants to 187mg hopefully they will kick in soon. And has given me sleeping pills to help me sleep. Also has documented everything I have said to him incase ty takes me to court and of course when I take peter to court for abuse. Considering he is denying it I will push it to court. especially what happend to the little girl in perth :(

Dans bday is two weeks away, eeek but I have worked out what I am getting him and hes going to love it. Dorothys dance party concert will be here on the 11th, $15 a ticket. Except I cant find it online, I only heard it on the radio. so if I cant find that i will make sure I take him to the wiggles show in dec. Which will be a bit more pricey going by the dvd we had. which broke :(

On to some good news. I have a job interview for a part time receptionist job. 830 - 1pm mon - fri. Nice! Guess it will take some time to get to pirie st by 9.30am. Ah well early morning for me :P

Half of my friends dont even know I am here lol like dimi :P and everyone at church except megan and matt. So Im going to suprise them and trundle my arse off to church lol. Been a while. And it will prolly be as boring as ever :D

No word from ty which is a little bit disapointing cos mum is ready for a phone call. Oh Im seeing a lawyer on monday, sigh. And my furniture + cleaning + packing is going to cost me $1500 :( pity I dont have the money. Unsure as to what to do....


Anyway sleeping pills are kicking in, dogs snoring, and I have to get up early...

Im happy to be back, much more relaxed thats for sure. But cant help but think of kyle. will definately take some time, and I hope to god I dont run into any of his friends....

Bye for now
mwa

reopen last chapter

Well I am safe, thats the main thing.

Ty is threatening child abuse on my part. pfft so getting the daycare ladies to write a letter about him breaking his leg. And may need to get kyle to help too if it goes to court.I feel bad, I just want to leave him alone..

Ty is also trying to make me go back to nsw. pfft. gary heard the whole convo and laughed nearly all the way through it...

Landlord is quite understanding. Good thing he is a young hormonal male. I guess I pushed some buttons lol

Anyway battery on laptop is low, and off to west lakes to see col baby :P

Ciao

six hours to go

Until I get in the shuttle bus to the newcastle airport.

sigh

Have you even been given less then 24hours to pack a house and clean it before you leave? trust me its fucken hard. Its 11pm Im living off of 4 hours sleep I have so much to do before 4.30 am.

Time to close another chapter of my life. Im 22 years old and I have been through so much and seen so much. Im 22 and feel like Im 50.
Im very hungry but have no food. Im very tired but too much to do.
Kitchen wont get fully packed cos I have no news paper.
All personal items which I will not say to a public audience has been packed. I didnt need removalists seeing that. I cant vaccum cos dans asleep. so I have to sweep the carpet lol Its a joke. Really it is.

Ty doesnt know that we are leaving. He came round before, and thank christ I saw his car and put boxes in dans room and my room before he got in here. It was so hard not to cry as he left and knowing that daniel wont be seeing him for a long time. Poor dan cried and cried and cried. I comforted him and fed him. He wouldnt go to bed, he knows something is up.

I will not be moving again in a hurry. Not until I am married. so someone else can help me fucken pack.

I think I should write a book. And call it, just like days of our lives but faster... I mean how fucken fast is this move. sigh
Im in immense pain, stomach pain. 11 hours and I will be in adelaide. and then I can some what relax.

I feel so guilty for what I am doing. But the safety of my son is at risk.
Linda came in and told me that peter is denying it and swearing on a pack of bibles that he didnt do it. I said to her that I swear on my sons life that it did. (they think mum is arriving up here tomorrow morn btw) so I said to her why would my mother fork out all this money to come up here for my own peace of mind if its all one big fucken lie. I asked her what she would do if it happend to her own kids. Her face said it all. I guess that marriage will bite the dust. their ten year anniversary is next week I think. And then she asked me if it had anything to do with the money I owe him. PFFT fuck the fucken money. If I had it I would hand it over right now.

So goodbye to nsw, until the court case. Then I will turn my back on this place forever and never come back. Well, I might go back to sydney some day for a holiday cos I really did love it there.

Enough procastinating.

Tanya darl I will email as soon as I can, I have no credit left :( so you dont know this is happening either..

A big thanks to kyle. Im going to owe you big time. Now you can be happy :) Hopefully you wont get asked to go to court with me :-(

A big sorry to dazzler ( I know when you look btw lol cos your the only one that uses my old blogs url lol) Good luck, you have a really wonderful heart and your pep talk helped, it really did. I re read your emails as my mother told me I had to do this on my own. So thank you. And you look after him ok :D

Yes I regret ever moving to NSW for love. I promist to myself and Dan that I will never do it again. All it causes is really bad pain. I wouldnt have felt like this if I had of said good bye to kyle on the 14th february 2005.

Chapter closed

'Cause I've seen blue skies Through the tears in my eyes And I realize I'm going home

Im going home

The old Nicole shall soon return. The happy go lucky nice nicole will return. Im not sure when, may take a while. Alot has happend and alot of de - stressing needs to happen.

I wanna forget every single thing that has happend since I moved to NSW, I wanna forget why I moved here, what was here, the pain and the sorrow. Nearly twelve months to remove from my memory.

Its time to pack :( AGAIN. Not much more to pack except for a little box that says do not open till july 2007 and my paintings. perhaps I should throw them out. remove it completely. The depressed state that I have been in.

My mum will be here wednesday. HURRY UP WEDNESDAY! I have to keep it a secret. It will be hard.

I just want to fast forward a couple of weeks and never look back on this again.....

I keep hitting the escape key, but Im still here!

Im scared shitless. Every noise makes me jump.
I did not sleep last night, laid awake in the lounge room all night.
The neighbours child came over and said I have black make up under my eyes, I had to inform her that it was from not sleeping.
I have a pounding head, sunken eyes, smoking like a train :(
I sit on the lounge chair near the door incase he turns up. So I can grab dan inside in a hurry and lock the door.
Paranoier (sp?) can eat someone whole. I have to keep busy or my right hand creeps to my left wrist. Ive been there before, the scars remind me. I cant do it, its proof that Im insane. its ammunition that can be used towards me.

I continue to hide, wont answer the home phone, and wont leave the house.

How long will this last?

Im sorry

But I cant do it. I know you all want me to but I cant. Your not wearing my shoes. I have no one as it is and to do this I lose everything.
It would be different if I was in adelaide, I have the support of friends and family there.
Here its just me and dan. I have no one help me through this.
No one understands.

Its not you having to do this!!!!!!

and so time stands still

I told ty, via sms. and I havent heard from him since. I did warn him before I told him that its prolly something that he doesnt need to hear.

So Ive locked myself and my son in the house. and all I can do is clean... I dunno what else to do. :(

Did I bring this on myself?
Did I provoke it?

No one to hug, no one to really talk to. And the one person that knew I did horrible things to and he turned his back on this. I guess I derserve that. But do I deserve what happend to me?

I guess I deserve it

Its horrible! And it scares me! But there is nothing I can do.
Too much held over my head for me to do anything about it.

Ive been in this position before and the outcome caused nothing but pain, but lingers the reminder of what it made me feel like then and now I feel it again.

The uncomfortableness the self hate the wearing of baggy clothes, the distrust with men.

I guess its karma!

Yay

Been playing with a bit of html. took me about half hour but I made a link woohoo

check my Links ---> and you shall see it

Applause please :D

I just would like to say

THAT COLLEEN TOLD ME TO MAKE THE PLAYDOUGH!!!

IT WAS COMPLETELY HER IDEA, NOT MINE!!!

AND SHE IS GOING TO TEACH ME NEW THINGS!

AND SHE HAS INTELLIGENT THINGS TO SAY!!!

AND I LOVE HER SO VERY VERY MUCH!!!

Bite me biatch :P

Sometimes all you can do is laugh!

Silly me, deleted something I didnt want deleted and I can no longer find it.. sigh. no crying just laughing lol

Its prolly best that its gone, ah well...

Not much to report. Ive been offered a job. Dunno if I will take it. And so cant be fucked explaining why on here. Good money though.

Yesterday I made play dough, I certainly suck at it lol Ive seen some good home made play dough, and compared to this. Mine is shocking lol

Its raining, again. I have towels to dry, they were stinking up my bathroom cos of the moisture so I thought I would wash them. Sigh.

I have the opportunity to meet ash on sat night :( unfortunately I cant. Very disapointing on my part...

Im now signed up to 5 dating sites lol quite sad really. lol I will find a friend soon Im sure.

Nearly got a kitten but its all the way out at toronto :( ah well poor putty tat..

So not in the mood today

Emotional attachment

Sitting here probably over dosing on codeine (not intentially, the pain has grown imensley) Ive finally realised whats wrong with me, and why I am still so obsessed with kyle. Its not the physical attraction nor the pain that he has caused or the pain that I want to throw on him.

Its the intelligent conversation and the feeling of being on that level or learning new things. Ive sat here these past few weeks and Ive not learnt anything I havent had a decent conversation (except when on the phone to him). I think the fact that he gave me his time and sat there and listened to what I had to say is what I am missing the most. Yes I miss his eyes and his wonderful smile but its the conversation I miss most.

No other person can hit me on that level, I just get bored and zone out. I will even call people to talk to them and they have nothing intelligent to say so I zone out.

Will I be comparing this to every guy I meet? It does scare me a little. I can only survive with that intelligence flowing through me. I mean look at me Ive gone completely off of sex (but that maybe the whole trust issue with me) Ive talked to some wonderful guys online but I just get bored with them really easily.

Perhaps all this rambling is because of family members dying and the fact that peters brother is dying of lung cancer and they dont know how long he has left. Ive even started looking at funeral plans incase I have an accident or something. How will my family afford to bury me? They couldnt, I would be buried as a porper.

But all this Ive looked upon my life and have realised that I have not achieved anything in my life. Is it time for me to sit down and start doing the things Ive wanted to. But owning a cafe and being a secretary can take years. Sigh. I no longer having a friend urging me on to go ahead with these dreams.

As days go on and bills get higher Im drawn to the black hole that has surrounded me for so long

Did I make a mistake causing this pain to kyle? Or is it closure? Can I actually back away from it all?

All these thoughts in my head and theres nothing I can do about it apart from dwell upon the person that I have become. Its a person I hate but I cant just jump out of this costume and into the old costume I wore. It doesnt fit anymore. Dont get me wrong there is still aspect of my old self that I still hold. I still like helping people and I have been helping people. Mostly in relationships which is weird because I am the unlucky person in love. I seem to ruin things, friendships, relationships, family members. It all seems to be me.

What to do what to do? Im doing all I can, and Im going insane. Constant head aches, kidney pain and being tired all day but perking up at night. The preassure of motherhood is wearing me thin as well. Im lost, I need a map and someone to direct me. Give me the push that kyle used to provide. I need a councillor that kyle used to be, I need a teddy to cry into like used to let me. Ive lost more then just a lover and a friend. My whole world is spiralling into a pit of darkness and I cant pull myself out of it. I just dont know what to do anymore.

So from no tears to tears I sign of for tonight. And dream of the life that I want but cant grasp with my finger tips.

Remind self

Do not bite bubble wrap without first checking it doesnt have perfume on it. I was gagging on it for ages. Cant get rid of the smell. Should be named doom or gloom cos its horrid!!!!!!!

I went shopping today, was an interesting experience going on a bus with dan. Lets just say that I have a few more grey hairs. sigh. I need a holiday lol I really do.

I got a new heater, actually two, one is on layby along with an electric blanket and two new pillows (dan doesnt have any).

Roll on tax time, I have bills to pay and Im just scraping up enough money to feed dan and I.

What is it with men and bloody condoms. I swear to god. I take a stand today! I will no longer have sex without a condom. I dont care if it desensitizes it and makes sex crap, ffs for us girls to get off in the first place can take days so shut your whining and just put the rain coat on. I thought it was a once off with kyle, but aparently not. sheesh guys get a life or go without! Simple as that!

Ive been in a vindictive mood today and was told to not touch my blog till I was over it. Im over it but I said what I wanted to in the first paragraph.

My head wont stop thinking, its controlled by a demon I swear to god. I need time out from myself as well as from my son. Just time out from the world would be nice.

Not much more to say except that I am in a lot of pain and there isnt a great deal I can do seeing as the panediene isnt working. Im very tense I need a job to escape the reality of my home life.

PS :wasnt the wedding dress on home and away fucken horrid

I suggest to everyone

DONT HAVE KIDS!!!!

• He blew up my heater (sigh)
• Put fake tan on my cream carpet (Climbed onto the fridge to get it)
• Broke a vase
• Sprayed stain remover everywhere
• ate jelly with his hands straight out the fridge

Sigh, one thing after another lol and all in two hours (except the fake tan, that was yesterday)

My kidney pain has returned :( and I cant get warm cos the heater doesnt bloody work. Ive fiddled with it but has done nothing...

Hello to all the people from icq that have read my journal...
A big hello to the sydney university person, that just so happend to be referred from my old blog. hmm wonder who that could be *insert eye rolling smiley* Why not stay and say hi LOL

Tomorrow, I have to find somewhere that will cash cheques, so I can get a new heater tomorrow. I can go one night! AND ONLY ONE NIGHT! Without the comfort of my heater :( bah its always got to do money with me. lol ah well

So tomorrow I wonder what the world will bring lol more cleaning more disappointment...

those of you that want my old blog and are bored here it is http://nreith20.livejournal.com/

Enjoy :P

Myth?

I read somewhere that the scent of lavender can turn a man on. If thats the case, Im getting rid of all my lavender. Would definately explain alot :D

Nice to see all the people checkin out my blog. BIG hello to kyle who looked yesterday. Doubt he will be back now that he knows there is a tracker :P Nice to have gotten my paintings back, even if it was a little vidictive to put carols hair on the sticky tape. Will be good enough for a voodoo doll. (joke)

Still looking for a pussy, in animal form people! Get your mind out of the gutters :P No one seems to want to get rid of kittens lately. What the hell is up with that?

Nathan came over for tea last night, he's still alive today so my poison didnt affect him :P

Extremely weird dream this morn. The guy in my dream looked like lex from smallville (hey Im not complaining, i find him rather sexual, must be the whole dominant thing :P) But there were black crows in there. do crows come in any other colour? lol sorry blonde moment

Ok guys its time for audience participation. Im bored and your probably a little bored by my blog entries of late. So if you want to ask a question or want to hear a story about anything, just post a comment of what you want and I will be happy to do it for you. Even crazy stuff like you want a photo from inside my toilet bowl hehe anything (my toilet bowl is clean and always is lol)
Or just drop a line to say hi.

Right time for my motherly duties of doing dishes, ah shit forgot to get something out for tea lol :P

EDITED AT 4.07
Hahaha classic, man I love my tracker :P waves at the last person that looked lol yes I know who you are :P

Another for today, but this is a vent

Im sick to fucken god of these kids, I seriously am. Goorang has been here all day and Ive cleaned up after him and dan that many god damn times. sigh. not to mention feed the shit, and continually tell both him and dan off for doing things they're not spose to.

Im sick of closing the door behind them, and chasing after the flies with the spray can. They just wont leave, they're like leeches.

I feel exhausted, I just want some space lol
I now know what my mother was on about when she didnt want my friends over. I cant afford to babysit other peoples children, and basically thats what I am doin.

I should warn people reading my site that I do have a tracker. It tells me who looked at it at what time. no names just what isp and where and if it cant work out where then it uses your ip addy.

Ive worked a few out already, wasnt that hard really.

BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sick of kids lol Remind me of this post if I ever suggest Im thinking of having another...!

And so the new life begins

He is like a plague, get rid of him and good luck comes my way.

There could be a good chance that I get a secretarial job, thanks to ty. I owe Nathan big time. My mood caused by Kyle somewhat ruined the times I saw Nathan. Not anymore :P

My family and friends have been very understanding, all the shit I have put on them this past year. A little threat can go a long way. If it does come down to the threat becoming a promise, so be it. Will be a long process but it would be worth it in the end. The sms's mean nothing, my friends have reassured me. They are a load of crap. And truely they didnt hurt, even though I hate the word freak, it just brushed straight off my shoulders. But they are saved for back up. I am getting the things back that I wanted, photos will be archived in a box that will say DO NOT OPEN TILL 15TH JUNE 2007. As for the physical scarrs on my arm, I dunno. Its a constant reminder of the pain that I endured, wonder if any of those creams you can get will actually work to erase them.

Tomorrow marks a sad day for me, four years that have gone so quickly, but we will hear more about that tomorrow.

So I guess this means my blog could somewhat become a little boring, sigh, I shall try to think of exciting stuff for you all to read lol.

Lets see if there is anything I can think of today, hmmm oh I have had some really weird dreams lol had a dream not last night the night before that I was angry with kyle (which is true in real life) and I snuck into his house with my mother and put a garbage bag full of rotten food under his bed but hid it so well that he could not find it. In my dream it was a nice house lol anyway guess ya had to be there.

Will be going to sydney next month for dans bday. Taking him to see bradley, he keeps asking to see him. But he has made a new friend, a little sutanese boy named goorang, this kid just walks into my house when he pleases lol actually the whole family does, lol I kick em out every now and then.. But they make such a mess, but on the upside they entertain dan which gives me space to clean the mess they make, not to mention discenfect the discusting toilet that my son pisses all over lol.

So basically Im happy, havent been this happy for a long time. Could use a friend or two, just some physical company would be nice. Nathan would but he has to get up really early for work, and even earlier if he stays here.

Well till tomorrows entry stay safe and stay happy, as tomorrows post will be somewhat sad :(

MWA

Why do I let it affect me?

And Im back where I started. It hurts it cuts me up and rips me apart. I held onto what little I had and cherished it to be hurt again. The tears return, that sinking feeling returns.

Move on he says, easier said then done. He has friends there, he has things to do to take things off his mind. I was doing so well. And now Im at the bottom of that horrible pit once more.

No friendship, nothing. Just get to sit here and dwell on the things Ive caused, the things that are said. Let the pain grow rapidly stronger. until I cant bear it anymore.

I only feel this way when he says goodbye. Why do I continue to say hello? Ive always said you dont marry your soul mate, and to me he was my soul mate. It hurts again.

Post # 2 for today..

Ok I admit defeat.. Kyle did really win.

Tomorrow is pay day. $474. my bank account is -$16 and my rent is $445 and is to be paid tomorrow. Leaves $13 to last me till next tuesday. Im completely screwed.

Theres ideas at what I can do. But deep down I really dont want to. but it will be the only way to get food for dan. sigh, broke, no food, and now at my wits end as to what to do.

My kidney pain has returned and I cant afford my prescriptions. So have to fight it, put up with the pain.

please someone lock me in a sound proof room and let me scream as loud as I can. :-(

Welly well

I know you all want to know what went on last night :P but Im going to disapoint you all and not tell you what went on. Lets just say I dont want to incriminate myself lol

But I had a fantastic night. And to say the honest truth I doubt I would of had that much fun with kyle there. All I want now is some sleep.....



The bus trip down was good. Two hours, was bliss. The trip back was a disaster, the bus was late, we caught every red light out of sydney and then we got pulled over by the cops for speeding, 13kms over the limit lol poor guy.

I miss sydney, the whole hussle and bussle the constant stray of people everywhere... sigh

Dan didnt miss me. lol like we thought he would.

And ya really cant rely on any friends thats for sure. Continual let downs. I should be used to it by now, but Im not. its constant. sigh. doomed to have bad friends.

I now remember why!

Why I dont eat apples! They give me headaches ugh...

Everyone seems to be a miserable cunt atm. And thats an understatement, (which reminds me *runs to take drugs* lol) I dunno what it is. Must be the weather... Finally Im in a alright mood, and everyone else is not.

Well can honestly say he hasnt changed. still selfish. are we not suprised? Certainly not. Ive already been blamed for her blocking him. *insert eye rolling smiley* why would I bother now. Ive done the damage, (which I am not proud of) and yes he did piss me off cos he wont meet me tomorrow, cos he thinks we will have nothin to say, meanwhile we used to talk and talk and talk online and then spend hours and hours talking to each other in person. hmmm whatever (bring it on style)

Last night I spent the better part of my night in hospital with a drip hanging out my arm. sigh. bloody urine infections, piss me off...

Bring on tomorrow, got my dealer, got my date (havent met her yet lol) and I got my tanned arse (thanks to dan for helping, poor kid) got my hotel room. Got no money but hey, fuck it...

*dances round the house* in a silly mood, weird huh...

ah might pop back later and add some more shit lol

Love makes fools of us all

I should not make rash decisions when I havent taken my drugs lol It goes to show that they actually work. Two hours ago I was a mess. Im ok now though, sigh

Sunday sunday sunday, sigh, I dunno what I want lol I cancelled with kyle then I took it back. My one fear is, that I hold onto the friendship with him and then she will go back. And I lose it again. Its my biggest fear. and it will hurt again, which is where I dont want to be. But at this point in time I want his friendship more then ever. :( I like having the talks on the phone, even if it is 1am in the morn :) He's really my only friend and the only person that gets me. I would like to see him and have a coffee, see if I cant make him smile :) or even just to say goodbye.

I have this extreme pain in my left side of my stomach or hip every time I breath in heavy it hurts worse. its really weird and really painful. hopefully its gone tomorrow. If not Im off to the docs, the problem is most of the docs here are not taking on new patience. Stupid really.

Today was a really boring day and tonight is not much better. nothin on tv, but I have some movies that kyle gave me to watch however my dvd player is fucked. sigh. one thing after another. I need some good luck, can someone send some this way PLEASE!

what we all have been waiting for :D

This website is causing me nothing but trouble

It takes literally 5 minutes to load one page and when it does load its fucked lol. sigh.

The closer I get to sunday the more I wish it wasnt arriving. I shouldnt have bought the tickets. Waste of money really. To pay for a couple ticket and only one person going. sigh. I guess I will find out how its going to go on sunday. But I am looking forward to my break from dan. One whole week spending 24hours together each day. Kinda draining.

I got my hat for the ball. $25, no its not gold plated but it bloody well should be for that price, but its a nice hat, lee kernaghan style stray black cowboy hat.

Been thinking about the way things have turned out. I think I was happier not talking to kyle. Not to say that I havent enjoyed talking to him again. But it really isnt a good reason why we are talking. I caused him pain, pain that I am not proud of causing. Ive certainly turned his life upside down. Perhaps the best thing to do now is walk away and leave him be. And seeing him on sunday probably isnt a good idea, but I would really like to get my painting back aswell as my necklace and anklet. Perhaps the best thing to do is not talk on msn. And only on the phone when we are both bored or something. sigh, I dunno. What I wanted was to be his friend, and now that I am there I dont think its a good idea. Simply because we both caused each other a great deal of pain. Ideas would be greatly welcomed, if you have any?

Today I have to wax, shave, pluck and primp. All for sunday lol. Other then that, theres not much else to do. Might try and sleep, and stay off the net. I dont even do anything on here. I just sit and stare at it and press send/recieve on my email to see if tanya has written...

Went for jobs last night, theres not alot around. Roll on july so I can get my tax back and pay everyone off to leave me alone...

well might go find something to do, might have a nap lol lock dan in the house, play skool will be on shortly so that will entertain him for a little while :D

I think my son is sick

He's in a cleaning mood, first he picked up all the rubbish, then put all his clean washing away and now he's vaccuming. suits me just fine pretty good for a neary three year old.

I feel like I have gone off men full stop. which is prolly a first for me, unless you count the year where I didnt have sex at all. I dunno what it is about them but Id prefer if they just stayed the hell away for the time being. sad really. Or it could be the fact that I seem to attract every man and his dog, dont really want to discuss it. Keep it to myself. But every man that comes my way wants a peice of me. And I mean EVERY man. Except of course kyle and daniel lol.

I have bills coming up two due next week :S Im fucked lol

So much to do, but no motivation. jobs to look for, and jobs to look for. Hmm thats it really. I just need money. They say money cant buy you happiness. but by god it can make us content and pull us out of a slum.

I have a bloody church song stuck in my head. Is that saying I should get my arse off to church or get on my knees and pray. meh, god can bite me.

Silly dreams keep happening. Dreamt about my bank account last night about there being $180 in there, well checked it this morn, theres only $160 lol bah.

I havent eaten properly since monday. Last night I had A sausage. I cant taste anything so I guess thats why. sigh

Time to go and find my son, I think he's chasing the sutanese kid around the garden.. Poor kid

two in one day sheesh

Dunno why Im writing again I guess its cos Im bored shitless, housework is done.

Im as sick as a dog and the cold and flu tablets I have dont do shit, nose is still running like a marathon runner. and Im sick of sneezing.

I do however have to go to the shop to get more smokes, think I will go to the BWS seems closer lol.

Ive had to block Kyle, sigh. I wish he would get it over and done with so I know the outcome. and hopefully he doesnt dwell on it for too long cos I will go insane. I had to apologise to colleen, I now realise what shit I put her through and its really frustrating. You just wanna slap some sense into him, literally. Hes changed his mind that many damn times lol its tiring. But its easier for me to accept things. It doesnt hurt anymore, its just like meh. Ive done my dwelling on it all Ive hated him enough. Yes it hurt that he fell in love with her. But theres nothing I can do about it now. And there was nothing I could of done back in january.

House and ncis is on tonight woohoo I have really missed my shows. Home and away is getting interesting with the stalker being back. heheh I live sad life. I even got excited over lavender dishwashing liquid :S

Its a nice sunny day and actually quite warm in the sun. Its wonderful....

Time to go. nose is running and I cant see the screen from holding my head back to stop it, and I dont want to blow cos it hurts lol.

ciao

Well I didnt win

I forfeit well I wouldnt say forfeit more like joined the opposing team.

So Ive been trying to make him happy which has hurt me along the way. Learning things that I didnt realise and I regret what I did.
So I joined his team.
We still talk alot, we still laugh. But its hard to listen to everything about her. Breaks my heart but what can ya do?

What gets me is that he keeps saying he wants to be honest. But yet there is no way in hell that he should mention that he has been talking to me. The relationship has been tarnished and now everyday the little green shit starts to grow.

I wont lie for him. But I will keep my mouth shut. Its not my place. He can keep the guilt.

But she will forgive him and will go back to him. And I can say that I helped with that. sigh. It hurts knowing that if she does that I will never see him again, but if she doesnt then he wants to be friends. Meanwhile Im barracking for the she doesnt want to get back with him but helping on the she does want to get back with him. I think I may take a step back and stay out of it.

Ive given all the advice to him I can possibly do. There is another idea I thought of but the devil is on my shoulder whispering in my ear to keep that one to myself.

After all this stress and what not I am sick. I have a cold. Gunna be great at the ball with a bag full of snotty tissues and snorting all the time, people will think I am on coke lol.
My costume arrived, Im not game enough to try it on as yet. Maybe later, if it warms up some.

Otherwise everything is fine and dandy, apart from the rain. I need to hang out my washing under the carport I think. sigh.

Time to get out of bed I think. Face the prickly cold air. Think I will run and turn the oven on to heat up the house lol

byeeee

To start all over again

Welcome to my new blog.
Because of certain circumstances I had to change.

Atleast now I can write what I want :D

Those of you that havent read my old blog feel free to email me and I will pass it on...

Truely my life is like days of our lives, tears joy pain anger you'll see it all. but not as slow as days of our lives :P